13 weeks

as a survivor

one of my most utilized coping mechanisms has been trying to control everything around me

my environment, my friends, my colleagues, my house, my body

in fact part of the reason i love yoga and meditation is that they help me be in control

but now, 13 weeks into the deepest surrender i’ve ever known,

i have to let go

there is no other way

wahe guru

finally

I’m still affected by the Kavanaugh hearing
And the fact that they chose him
For that position of power

I couldn’t watch Michael Cohen’s hearing
This week
Because it reminded me too much of

When Kavanaugh sat there and
Pretended he was the victim

Of when that prosecutor
Gently suggested that
Dr. Ford might not recall her own memories

I’m crying now
The tears that I didn’t have space to cry then

Because the news was too loud
And Facebook was too loud
And people at my work were making jokes

Now, on a quiet March morning,
Rain and snow hanging in the sky,
I have a moment to cry

For all the times they didn’t believe us
For the way my stomach grinds when they hold fast to power
For Dr. Ford and her pain
For me and my pain
For Robin and her pain 

I know this will end
I know we are on the path to freedom
But fuck if it doesn’t hurt

I think people are afraid of women’s pain.

Of women’s anger. Of women’s anguish.

Sometimes when I share that I work with survivors, I hear people suck in a breath.

They say, “Wow, that’s a lot to hold.” Or, “Do you worry about triggering something?”

Yes, it is a lot to hold, and I hold it gracefully. Yes, I do worry about triggering something, and I’m constantly monitoring myself and my students, creating a space to hold them over and over again.

The thing breath suckers don’t understand is that we, survivors, are constantly triggered. Whether it’s going to the doctor or watching Supreme Court hearings or listening to our coworkers chuckle about assault or [insert that other thing that just happened to you]. Being alive is a trigger.

I just wish everyone would make a space for women’s anger. I wish everyone would not be so afraid of us going mad. Because we already are fucking mad. It has already happened and is currently happening. Get the fuck over it.